Lyrics

Conor Major Major · Lyrics

The Fixer

He has the ability to astound
I’m lucky enough to have found
Some sort of common ground
With a man called the Fixer

Who a week ago
Got free tickets to a sold out show
And even if he didn’t want to go
He could stay in and listen to songs
That had not hit the shops

He’s way ahead of the game
Every guest list knows his name
Don’t think he’s being vain
When he keeps his scarf on

Please refrain
Don’t ask his name

He is the only man that I know
Who can get in anywhere for free

His head is full of big ideas
They say he’s wise beyond his years
When he’s talking people cheer
They call him the Fixer

And that gig at That cock who doesn't like Monty Python :P’s
Not only is he going but he booked the bands
He’s a man with a plan, he’s a music fan
He’s moving in circles with lots of celebrity friends

Nowhere he hasn't been
No band he hasn't seen
And if the Fixer’s on your team
There’s no need to panic!

Please refrain
Don’t ask his name

He is the only man that I know
Who can get in anywhere for free

He’ll know just what to do
He’ll sort it out for you
He can dance like Fred Astaire
He’s our local entrepreneur

He’ll tell us what to do (The Fixer!)
He’ll sort it out for you
He’ll know just what to do
He’ll sort it out

Car Crashes

Johnny spends his time watching car crashes
On his little bike he makes them himself
Everybody’s got to be the bigger man
But they don’t know their right from left
(Just like you do)

Johnny spends his time causing car crashes
Or at least that’s what you all think
I heard a man say he shouldn’t be on the road
If he can’t break the speed limit
(Now I ask you)

Where’s the logic in that?
Where’s the logic in that?

So lets hope Johnny doesn’t get in to trouble
Cos there are idiots on the road
Keep your distance, keep watching the adverts
Now you see him now you don’t
(Honestly)

Where’s the logic in that?
Where’s the logic in that?
Where’s the logic in that?
Where’s the logic in that?

Ever Such a Gentleman

The doctors labelled him and insanity case
He’s got a tattoo on his arm of Queen Elizabeth’s face
He’s still a great believer in the master race
Ever such a gentleman
You’d want to cross the road rather than walk by him
He looks just like a psycho in a Hitchcock film
But you would never guess that underneath his hardened skin
Is a nervous disposition

He’s so scared of spiders, and his room 101
Would be stuck with a tarantula and no-where to run
He always carries insect spray but holds it like a gun
Ever such a hooligan
He doesn’t like policemen, and doesn’t like the “gays”
Despite his blaze attitude he hasn’t seen the Krays
He’s never had a girlfriend but his mum thinks it’s a phase
Like Pokemon or puberty.

Oooooooooooooooo

Last year at Christmas they let him out of jail
So he could see his family but then he skipped his bail
Rumour has it he’s now living somewhere out in Wales
In a grotty little caravan (very close to Aberfan)

Knocking back a bottle, and stumbling around
Swearing at the children then he passed out on the ground
At first they stood there wide eyed, as quiet as a mouse
And finally called out "Is there a doctor in the house?"

Ooooooooooooooooo

Ashlie the It-Girl

An illegal party in a crowded room
Everybody was drinking and sniffing glue
I was looking for fun, I had a smile on my face
I started to think that I was in the right place

Everybody dressed in the same haircut and clothes
I reckon most of the boys thought they were Karen O
Then I saw this girl and she just blew me away
She was flicking ash into her ashtray

Her name was Ashlie
She caught my eye as she walked past me, yeah

She’s Ashlie the it-girl and she changed my life
She’s Paris Hilton in converse, she sleeps with Razorlight
She’ll only let you talk to her if you’re in a band
And you know you’re something special you get to hold her hand
Oh Ashlie, took one look at me,
And now I’m a walking libertine
She changed me, Cos she’s the type of girl
Who’ll make you bend over backwards and give her the world

I was looking at her, but she was weighing me up
She didn’t ask my name but she fixed my haircut
She took me shopping for clothes I thought I’d never wear
I know we never kissed but there was something there

Her name was Ashlie
She caught my eye as she walked past me, yeah

She’s Ashlie the it-girl and she changed my life
She’s Paris Hilton in converse, she sleeps with Razorlight
She’ll only let you talk to her if you’re in a band
And you know you’re something special you get to hold her hand
Oh Ashlie, went to tea, with Pete from the Magazines
Versace and Ashlie go hand in hand

A Little Bit Better

I remember you told me “Act your age
Not your shoe size and don’t misbehave.
Today’s a very special day”
But I didn’t listen to you

Instead I turned out all the lights
And I started arguments and fights
I broke so many things that night
I bet you haven’t noticed them all

But I bet you noticed how I laughed
When your best friend was sick in the bath
I didn’t even bring her a towel or a glass
To make her feel just a little bit better
A little bit better

I was surprised you didn’t mind
When I ignored all your keep out signs
And I jumped on your sister’s bed with my
Filthy converse on

And I could tell you were not impressed
When I spilt red wine on your party dress
I didn’t even offer to clean up the mess
To make you feel just a little bit better

“No, No never again
And if you think that we’re friends
You’re wrong”

“Come on, don’t overreact
And let’s not ignore the fact
That you invited me”

Then you turned to me and said
“You’ve ruined my night
So just get out of my sight
Before I do something that I’ll regret”

I tried to get back in
You slammed the door in my face
You’re an insanity case
I know

Now you and me don’t talk anymore
There’s been a lot of backstabbing and slamming of doors
And I’ve never been to another party of yours
And I don’t expect an invite soon

I think it’s only fair that I justify
My behaviour that night and I’ll clarify
And then one of these days I’ll apologise
And that’ll make you feel just a little bit better

“No, No never again
And if your neighbours complain
They’re wrong”

“Come on, don’t overreact
And let’s not ignore the fact
That you invited me”

Then you turned to me and said
“You’ve ruined my night
So just get out of my sight
Before I do something that I’ll regret”

I tried to get back in
You slammed the door in my face
You’re just a vanity case
I know

Hopefuls

It’s not very often
That you get a second chance
But when this happened to Amy, she just phoned me
Had to tell me in a flash

She said I got a call back
And in fact
They really liked my act
So I’ll go and I’ll queue up
With the hopefuls
Her confidence growing by the bowlful
And all this because
She might get her 15 minutes

They heard her singing
Said “You’re through to the next round
And this one will be filmed
You’re head must be in the clouds
But keep your feet on the ground”

You may think it foolish
But she ignored their advice
And she told all her family, that she’d soon be
A household name, well wouldn’t that be nice

And she told all the office
And the school
Soon it felt like local news
That her single bedroom
In her mum’s terrace
Would soon be replaced
With a hotel in Venice
As she toured the world
Everybody would want to be her

They heard her singing
Said “You’re through to the next round
And this one will be filmed
You’re head must be in the clouds
But keep your feet on the ground”

She sang in the next round
They said please wait, we’ll make up or minds
I’m sorry but you didn’t get through
And it’s back down to earth for you
Back to your single room

Electrics

He kicked up the electrics
Ignite, time to evacuate
Readjust, different objectives
Make time to meet his associate

When Chaos theory meets 999

Who gets tanked up on match day?
OH NO! Nightsticks and riot vans
Handcuffs, chainsaws and ashtrays
Stand tall, take it like a man

When Chaos theory meets 999
Who’s that running down the railway line?

Wait till it’s nice and quiet
The Perfect Place to start a fire
Full Time sparks the ignition

BANG! BANG! Disturb the peace
Oh No No, Don’t call the police
Oooooooooooooo
(Full Time sparks the ignition)
I lost track of the time

Accidents and Incidents

We open on a busy street, it’s Saturday
It looks like Everton have lost at home
An away fan hides his gaze
From a drunk man who will claim
That they were robbed

At the very same moment just three miles away
Two lovers have been caught between the sheets
And no amount of flattery
Or excuses on a Saturday
Are going to get her out of this one
They’re just accidents and incidents
Unfortunate coincidences

Somewhere in the brand new halls of residence
Sabrina’s only just got out of bed
With last night’s make up clouding her judgement
And last night’s wine is pummelling her head
She never listened when they said

Listen up, it’s very important
This could change your life one day
Listen up, it’s very important
It’s very important, it’s very important

So the Everton fan jumped into his van
And he drove round town like Action Man
And he didn’t even see Sabrina crossing

She was left there with blood in her hair
And the young lovers just stopped and starred
They suddenly forgot their own problems

They tried to get the number plate
Of the van as it escaped
But it was too late, it was too late

ASBOs

They’re running round the car park in their Reebok and hoods
Picking up stones and little pieces of wood
Then they’ll go and buy six eggs from the shops
If they haven’t got they money then they’ll make do with rocks

They get extra points for accuracy
They hide round the back of Asda, you see
Ohh, You dare not cross their path

Now they’ve climbed to the top of the wall
I’m wondering if I should risk it at all
Cos this jacket is clean on today
But I’ll be late if I walk the other way

They get extra points for accuracy
It’s probably not as bad as I think it will be
Come on, they’re only kids

Walking past
Hope they don’t think I’m walking fast
Cos I think that they’ll throw broken glass
Then they’ll laugh
And watch it smash

They’re running round the car park in their Reebok and hoods
Picking up stones and little pieces of wood
Then they’ll go and buy six eggs from the shops
If they haven’t got they money then they’ll make do with rocks

They get extra points for accuracy
It’s probably not as bad as I think it will be
Come on, they’re only kids

Espadrilles

Meet people I don’t know
People I want to get to know
They’ve all got foreign names
Espadrilles and silly games

Are they looking at my hair?
Or are they looking at my shoes?
That one’s just been dumped
You can tell by the way she moves
The way she drinks the night away

But it’s too soon to approach her
To encroach upon her new found freedom
Just make excuses and leave
She still hates men
And you, you just remind her of him

One o’clock private party
The doorman lets you in no questions asked
They stand, their amazed
Just how did he get past?

Not last night but the night before
24 robbers came knocking at my door
I got up and let them in
They hit me on the head with a rolling pin

Jack and Jill, and three blind mice
Went to a party with Snow White
They all danced until 12 o’clock
When Old Mother Hubbard turned the power off

369
The goose drank wine
The monkey chewed tobacco on the street car line
The line broke
The monkey got choked
And they all went to heaven in a little rowing boat

Clap clap

I’ve impressed my new companions
They won’t pick on me
With my sleight of hand
They’re new fans I guarantee

Hangman

He sang like the man from “The Commitments”
Had hair right down his back
But he wore a white suit with cowboy boots
Did he really think he’d look good in that?

Let me put you in the picture
I’m in the middle of a bar
There’s this band on the stage must be more than twice my age
With saxophones, drums and guitars
And the singer thinks he’s the business
False bravado and a freshly lit cigar

Now lets get on to the music
It’s all hidehidehidehidehi
But after all the classics, and the music for the masses
They’ll pull out a big surprise
And play us an original
We’ll have forgotten in about hour’s time

Silent sigh of relief as he
Announces it’s the end of the first half
I’m almost tempted to leave before
He’ goes and has a pull on my heart strings
He says “Oh no, we didn’t get petrol money”
Sits down, takes the foil from around his food

When he sings he sings like a gambler
When he fights he fights like a fool
By night he’s on the stages, goes out drinking all his wages
And by day he just works in a school
I wonder if any of the pupils
Have ever seen him looking so cool

Now he drops to his knees as he
Gives it everything that he’s got
You think they’re gonna do harmonies
But you quickly realise that they are not
As he says “I hope, the crowd are interested”
“Tonight is gonna be our big break I know”

He sang like the man from “The Commitments”
Had music in his soul
But his epitaph made his children laugh
As they gazed at his head stone

Fences

I know you like to sit on the fences
I know you like to spread your weight
And heaven forbid that
Someone will turn on you
You can’t keep yourself hidden forever
Your secrets and you bitchy words
Are going to catch up with you soon
You can’t stay neutral for good

But mark my words your time is coming
Soon you’ll be on your back foot running
Get down off your high horse
Come down from your pedestal
(Stop being so indifferent)

You know I’ve seen you hop on the fences
And mince around your careful words
You always owe me for something
You always owe me for this and that

But mark my words your time in neigh
Put your best foot forward wrap your tongue round a lie
Step on out into the firing line
Put your head on the blocks
(Stop being so indifferent)

Mark my words they’ll suss you out
Or you’ll make a mistake and then they’ll kick you out
It’s not very friendly
It’s not a nice place to be

I’ve seen you there ten times before
Pretending to change your ways
Again, I’ll look away

Newspapers & Magazines

He thinks he’s invincible but won’t go out at night
Unless he’s surrounded by his entourage
Has a habit of turning up all unannounced
In brand new boots and chauffeur driven cars

Tranquilizers won’t stop him

On the cover of magazines in every gossip page
3am can’t get enough of him
And where he’s going on a Friday night
His bank account grows with every word they print

Ego’s bouncing off the walls
Head won’t fit through your small doors

So I’m just
Sitting here on a
Tuesday night when he
Just appears. One of the
The biggest stars of the
Silver screen but he’s
So much smaller than I thought he would have been

Here is a man with millions of pounds
But he’s playing darts and he’s buying rounds
Oh, what happened to that attitude?
Was it ever there? Or made up to sell

Newspapers and Magazines?

I walk up to him and then I introduce myself
Tell him he’s no need to reciprocate
We talk about this and that, he seems so down to earth
Far from the hedonistic, arrogant

Man that we’ve all read about
How much truth is there in that?

I said you must have
Read the headlines
About the fact that your
Partial to your white lines. Now you’re
Branded as some
Sort of addict
Made out to be
All desperate and tragic

When in reality all he did was
Have a few too many tequilas
While at the party of his brothers
The next morning it’s all over the covers of

Newspapers and Magazines

EmmersoN

Excellent - I always wondered what the lyrics to the later bit of the hustle were lol (they are great!)

James

very good - although as predicted, I've been singing all the wrong lyrics, and I've only read the first line - I thought it was 'Cilla' not Sarah in Pop song, oh well, I'm happy in m little world Very Happy

[/i]

Dave

Now there's an idea! Write a song to Cilla Black! Then burst into her house at night with a little man and go "Surprise surprise! Let's ask our Graham to see who I am"

Louis

James

Louis

James

EmmersoN

James

this could go on as much as the favourite smell thread!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

EmmersoN

nah I don't think this will be that crazy- though it was looking bad for a minutes back there - The rhyming smell thread is still going strong!

Louis

yes, the rhyming thread cannot be copied in any other thread

Dave

Major Neil

ooo lyrics to Ever Such A Gentleman. It seems the fans know the lyrics b4 me nowadays! Know them better than me too! Embarassed

James

I'm gonna print them out, and sing along karajoky style at the gigs Very Happy

Liam, Major Major drummer

good. personal major major karaoke sounds good. maybe if lots of people learn them we could do a robbie williams glastonburry type let the crowd sing a bit thing

Conor Major Major

I have just added Lyrics for Ashlie the It-Girl

Louis

i havent heard ashlie the it girl yet, but i like the lyrics

Conor Major Major

Well you can learn them for the next time you see us but seeing as you don't know the tune you will just have to shout them out like a drunk to the tune of "She'll be comin' round the mountain"

Louis

Daniel_Owens_From_Caldies

i love connors lyrics
i can relate to dem so much
i love dis band

Dave

Hi Daniel its David Loftus, long time no see

Conor Major Major

Conor Major Major

I have added lyrics to the Newest Major Major song "Just a Little Bit Better" on my origional post. WE are playing this song tonight

Liam, Major Major drummer

you missed a backing vocal. what is with thse adverts on the last post of each thread???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Conor Major Major

They are so wrong wrong wrong!

Dave

I've just noticed that at the end of Never Suck a Gentle Man, it says that the kids say 'is there a doctor in the house?' I used to think it was the gentleman saying it, this new idea makes the song end in a darker way....whooooo

Major Neil

just noticed conor, the lyrics for electrics aren't up?

Gibbo

They are on the MySpace though.

Conor Major Major

Eagle-eyed Gibbo strikes again, while the iron is hot!

EmmersoN

Gibbo

This is of course why my nickname is Eagle Eye, and I am revered as a God by more than a few Native American tribes.

Liam, Major Major drummer

your sister nina was quite good

Conor Major Major

Just added new lyrics and brought it all up to date a little bit

Conor Major Major

Lyrics for The Fixer have been added

Colin

haha i like those lyrics... if only they were true haha well in lads

Louis

yeah i like those lyrics

Conor Major Major

I've added Lyrics for Hangman, Fences and Newspapers & Magazines (which we played for the first time last night)

EmmersoN

Ha fast updates! I needn't of stolen neils lyric sheet for newspapers and magzines!

Major Neil

Thats where it bloody went!! haha I still need that!!!!

EmmersoN

Haha sorry about that! I'll give it back to you the next time I see you! (damn it i was hoping to put that on ebay!)

Conor Major Major

Can't you just print off another version Neil? I did email it to you

Liam, Major Major drummer

or just read it off this great page.

Dave

I don't know which song Hopefuls is, but I now know the lyrics, how confusing

Liam, Major Major drummer

hmmmmmmmmmmmm
very interesting
explain yourself conor

also emmers post no longer makes sense

EmmersoN

Liam, Major Major drummer

EmmersoN

Liam, Major Major drummer

we will have to wait here on the edge of our seats till tomoro mornin when conor comes into work.

or i might just go to sleeep.

Conor Major Major

Hopefuls is not DL4 adventures. I tried to slip it in un-noticed but my plan failed. We'll play Hopefuls on 22nd July, it's about someone I know who went in for X factor but got knocked back

Liam, Major Major drummer

do i know this song?
do i know it under a different name?

Major Neil

Yeah it's the "thing in A" which is great!

EmmersoN

Ahh right that makes sense! I was wondering how you'd managed to slip a full song under the emmerson radar!

EmmersoN

I want DL4 adventures lyrics! Crying or Very sad

(or orange lights or whatever you're calling it now days - it will always be DL4 adventures to me)

Conor Major Major

It's called Orange Lights. I'll put the lyrics up when you do the photos page on the website. haha!

JakeTheMasterOfDance

"Like pokemon or puberty"

Pokemon wasn't a phase.

It was a lifestyle. Though I did really like ASBOs.

Conor Major Major

Did you "Collect them all?"

JakeTheMasterOfDance

Me? HELL NO.

No one collected them all, Jesus, even the main character to the show didn't collect them all.

Unless you mean on the game.

Then yes, I caught them all.

Liam, Major Major drummer

i dont know what else he might have meant by colect them all
i did.
***SAD POST ALERT***
did you get mew?

JakeTheMasterOfDance

Well, on the game, I got most of them... Not mew, that required cheats, and pokemon was too cool to cheat at.

If you mean the cards, THEN YES, I had mew, i went to the crazy pokemon big tent of death and it was the free card.

It was shit.

Liam, Major Major drummer

no i meant the game
i got mew of a friend
we cloned him and everyone we knew had him so there was no point really